


nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood

by boleynhowards



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Kara Danvers Tells Lena Luthor About Being Supergirl, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, after literally SHOOTING her brother, also my first supercorp fic!, canon divergence from 5x01 onwards, lena’s character / reaction reaction to kara’s secret in season 5, my friend was mad that no one depicts lena having trauma, so I wrote this, so this covers that too, spoilers for 4x22, we are also both mad about how the show handled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleynhowards/pseuds/boleynhowards
Summary: After the death of her brother at her own hand, Lena Luthor is plagued by recurring nightmares of the event, each of them getting much worse every time. To make matters worse, there’s no one she can turn to for help. Everyone she previously trusted has now been exposed as a liar, leaving her completely alone.At least, that’s what she thought. Following a particularly bad day and an accidental missed call, Lena finally realises something she should have a long time ago; nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 5
Kudos: 118





	nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood

**Author's Note:**

> tw for graphic descriptions of gunshot wounds, blood and panic attacks.
> 
> i wrote this for my wonderful friend jo after she suggested the prompt to me (check tags for more details on that lol). she’s also the person who got me into supergirl/shipping supercorp so!! special thank you xoxo
> 
> also it’s my first supercorp fic!!!
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!

Lena Luthor was seven years old when she had first visited the cabin. Her brother, Lex, had been the one to take her there, and since that day, they had both grown attached to the place. It was cosy and warm; with padded armchairs and a fireplace and strong walls that, even though they were grey and dull, made her feel safe. Being a secluded area that Lex claimed was untouched by anyone other than themselves, it only made the place more special. For Lena, it was like a tiny pocket of paradise in the world that no one else knew about, just for her and her brother to share.

For a long time, they did. Whether they were escaping the doom and gloom of the family manor or simply visiting their special place for everyday fun, the Luthor siblings practically grew up in that small cabin. In a childhood of what was almost entirely shrouded in fear and forced compliance, Lena could count all her good memories as a kid on one hand; and most of those memories happened in this cabin.

She could see a younger version of herself now, analysing a chessboard in careful consideration of her next move. That was the day she beat Lex at chess for the first time ever, and thinking back on it, Lena couldn’t help but smile as she recalled the triumph and happiness she felt as she practically yelled “checkmate!”

However, even if there was an abundance of happiness that had come out of this place, it should be addressed that she was very much experiencing this nostalgia with rose-tinted glasses. Sure, there were these great times spent with Lex, but as she got older, the further apart they grew. The more Lex taunted and teased her, poked fun at her hard work and played with her mind like it was just another game of chess, only this time her emotions were the pieces and she never won a game again.

At least the place would always bring her joy. That used to be a comforting thought for Lena; that, even with everything that had happened and could ever happen between her and Lex, she was always able to look back at these few memories and smile. Even if it was pained and filled with a futile yearning to go back to those times, it was enough warmth and fondness to bring her some sort of comfort and, though she would never admit it, feed the often dying flame of her love for her brother.

However, this all drastically changed in time, just like everything else Lena considered to be good in her life eventually blackened with betrayal. What was once one of the only locations Lena considered a happy place left for her morphed into a much darker version of itself, all in the span of one night.

She was standing there, in the cabin, though this time it didn’t feel like the safe and happy place she had always known it to be. Instead, it was unfamiliar and unwelcoming. The armchairs that she had often accidentally fallen asleep in had been thrown out in favour of computers and monitors, all displaying data that, at the time, Lena didn’t bother to comprehend. Surrounding her were the cold grey walls, and they no longer felt like a shield keeping the danger out, but a barrier trapping her inside with it. It wasn’t even warm anymore; the fireplace looked like it hadn’t been used for years - which was probably true.

Yet, even with all these drastic changes, it wasn’t any of the refurnishings that ruined the happiness of the cabin. No, it was the fact that she was standing dead centre in the main room, fixated in the place where the chess table used to be, and pointing a gun down at the one person she had ever shared this pocket of peace with; her brother.

As much as she tried to not let it show, her hands involuntarily shook, and she didn’t know if that was because she was holding onto the grip too hard or if it was because she was terrified. Probably a mixture of both, but she would never admit the latter option. Her skin was naturally pale, but her knuckles somehow managed to whiten even more with the firmness of her clutch onto the firearm, refusing against all the voices in her head to direct the aim away from her target. Even if it was her brother, even if they were in their (now suddenly darkening) paradise, Lena had to keep in mind everything that had happened between them.

Her brother said something. Usually, she was attentive and sharp, but she wasn’t able to make out his words or even read his lips, not with the blood rushing to her ears and the blurriness of unwarranted tears in her eyes. She couldn’t allow herself to concentrate on what he said anyway, else risk being manipulated by him. It wouldn’t be the first time and, if she fell for it, it certainly wouldn’t be the last. That’s why she had to do this.

Raising her arm a little, she squinted to make a better aim; a fatal one. Now all she had to do was shoot. Trying not to think too much about her actions, Lena allowed one of her fingers to finally slide onto the trigger, the coldness of the metal feeling uncomfortable against her clammy fingertip.

Just press. That’s all it took; to simply bend her finger half a centimetre and it would all be over. The seconds felt like hours that dragged on as Lena debated her decision, but in the end, she knew she only had one choice. And that was to shoot. Not only once, but twice to ensure the job was done.

Two flashes of blinding white light occurred at once, the deafening sound that came with them making it feel like lightning had struck the cabin. Lena’s ears rang with the noise of the firearm, but that was no problem compared to what sight was waiting for her when the whiteness subsided.

It was her brother, having tumbled out of his chair with the force of the bullets and slumped over himself on the ground. Blood pooled around him, seeping out from between his fingers as he clutched the wounds on his chest, dampening his clothes and forming a thick puddle of red all over the floor.

Pained groans escaped his lips, his whole body convulsing with desperation to survive. With his energy slipping away more and more, he used his dying moments to look up at Lena, as if begging her to do something. Anything to stop the flow, to save his life, to rescue him from the jaws of death.

But she did nothing. She simply watched as his life faded away, just as she had done as a four-year-old, watching her mother fight against a river tide and drown in defeat. Only this time her mother was her brother, and the tide he was drowning in was his own blood, pouring out from wounds she had inflicted.

Regret flooded her the moment she had made that comparison, and, in an instant, she had dropped the gun and rushed to her brother’s side. At this point, it was too late. His eyes, which Lena had previously observed to be cold and cruel, were now completely lifeless. The strong posture with which he held himself with was crumpled uselessly in on itself, his body an island in the sea of his blood.

And Lena was now kneeling in that sea, her own clothes now wet through with the liquid that was uncomfortably warm, and somehow getting everywhere, forcing itself to stick to her skin like she would never be able to escape the weight of what she had just done. Suddenly, even though it was such a shallow pool, she too felt like she was drowning in the crimson. Her heart rate quickened to a sprint, her body violently shaking - not with the same large convulses as Lex’s had been moments prior, but rather with tiny, fearful tremors.

Eventually, her eyes blacked out. She couldn’t tell if that was the blood covering them or herself squinting them shut, all she knew was that everything was becoming overwhelming and she had just shot her own brother dead, murdering a second family member. Just as she felt like she had run out of ragged breaths to take, as if she had dwindled her oxygen supply until there was none left and she was also going to fall limp and dead beside her brother’s corpse, she opened her eyes for one final look at what she had done.

Only, when Lena opened them, she wasn’t even there anymore. Surrounding her were no longer the stark grey walls of the cabin, there were no more computer monitors hovering over her and the air wasn’t freezing cold anymore. Most importantly, however, she was not on her knees beside the body of her brother she had murdered, nor was she drenched in his blood.

It had been a nightmare. She must have accidentally dozed off at her desk. The fact that she was uncomfortably slouching over her laptop in her office at L-Corp with her screen displaying some accounts she had been working on previously was all the proof she needed for this theory. Sitting up and trying to straighten her stiff posture, Lena scolded herself for passing out, even though it made perfect sense that she did; she hadn’t slept in ages. She couldn’t even remember the last time that she had voluntarily allowed herself to. It wasn’t that she was trying to harm herself by refusing to go to sleep. Rather, it was quite the opposite. Lena needed to protect herself from the nightmares like the one she just had, ones that she couldn’t stop having.

Still, even with the knowledge that what had just happened was nothing more than a cruel hallucination (apparently even her mind wanted to betray her now), she couldn’t shake the feeling of unease it gave her. This was understandable. For anyone, it was already a disturbing dream to have, but for Lena, it wasn’t just a dream. It was reality. At least, some twisted version of it. Yet, although the nightmare she had just had was terrible, there was something even more burdensome; what actually happened felt much, much worse.

Sure, in real life when she shot her brother she didn’t kneel next to him and regret everything she had done, so her dream had overcompensated a little bit there. But, even so, her distance and lack of regrets weren’t for a good reason. Lex hadn’t just crumpled and died like he had in her dream. Instead, he used his dying moments to taunt her one last time.

By that point, she thought she had already built an infallible armour against his cruelty, but she was seriously mistaken in that assumption. His final mind game was the worst he had ever played with Lena. Even as he had mere seconds left to live, he seemed to go out with dignity in the knowledge that he had outsmarted her. Yes, he might have been the one dying, but who was really in the most pain after what he had told her?

When Lex used his final breaths to reveal the identity of Supergirl to Lena, she didn’t want to believe him. She just couldn’t begin to fathom that Kara Danvers, someone who she had trusted time and time again with her secrets, was holding back something as big as this from her. After everything she had gone through in her life, betrayal after betrayal, being deceived so much that knives practically fell from her back with every step she took, she didn’t want the last trusting relationship she had left to follow the same repetitive pattern.

Everything in her begged for it to be a lie, for it to be the final trick that Lex tried on her before his death. Those were all just futile hopes and wishful thinking though, and that was quickly confirmed as the monitors behind Lex flashed to display the proof of his claims. Videos of Kara Danvers, her best and only trusted friend, in all sorts of dangerous situations began playing, a different one on each screen. Yet, instead of being hurt like any other normal human would in any of those situations, Kara evaded harm and danger in them all. Not with dumb luck or good fortune though, as much as Lena wished it was. No, Kara defended herself by harnessing extraterrestrial powers that Lena didn’t even know she had until watching the footage. Extraterrestrial powers that matched those of a Kryptonian - and there was only one match for such a skill set; Supergirl.

In front of her, behind her and all around her, the monitors replayed the footage, and she just let it happen. For the third time in her life, she was rooted in place, simply watching and observing. This time, however, it wasn’t frozen in fear as she watched her mother die, or fixed down with vengeance as she had been moments prior when she watched her brother die too. No, Lena was standing in disbelief, shame and embarrassment. There was nothing she could but watch and try to comprehend what she had just been told. Even if she tried to turn away, there was just going to be another monitor. If she closed her eyes, it would still do nothing to block out the sound of her brother’s voice or a million videos playing at once. She was trapped, and Lex probably wanted it this way; if he had to suffocate in his own blood, then she had to do the same on her own humiliation. He always was one for symbolism.

Even after the videos had stopped playing and death had rendered Lex silent, making the only sound the dull humming of the computers, Lena was still brimming with hopelessness. Part of her was begging to be angry, whilst the other part was simply hurt. Her mind was a battlefield for her war of emotions, and it was like so much was going on that in response all she could do was stare blankly, the only sign of emotion being the silent tears that slipped down her cheek.

Eventually, she had to force herself to leave the cabin, even if it suddenly felt much more favourable to stay in the room with her brother’s corpse forever than go outside and face the reality that everyone had been lying to her. Not just Kara; everyone. They had been doing so for years, and she had never once grown suspicious. She really was a fool, and now these traitors knew all about her insecurities and her Achilles’ heel, and they had happily exploited it up until now, so who was to say they weren’t just going to do it again when it suited them?

God, they must have all been laughing behind her back when she wasn’t around. Lena Luthor; billionaire businesswoman, genius scientist and prodigious philanthropist, lied to for years and not once picking up on it. The punchlines wrote themselves. That’s just what trust did though, she guessed. It made her dumb and blind and she knew that she couldn’t afford to give it out again. How could she ever? If Kara Danvers, the most genuine and kindhearted person she knew, had been lying to her this whole time, there was surely no point in putting faith into anyone else.

Although she tried to come up with a solution of rage, this betrayal wasn’t like others she had felt. There was no one in her past she had trusted as much as she did Kara, so when even Kara had failed her, all she felt was a hollow sadness. Desperately, Lena had tried to stir this into anger, but it didn’t work. At least she had a way to deal with her furiosity, and that was vengeance. But no matter how much she tried to convince herself she needed to be seething with Kara, her despairing solitude didn’t falter once.

All she could feel was a mind numbing sadness that blanketed over her, an extra heavy weight of despondence locked onto her shoulders, so that everything she did felt like twice the effort that it had been previously. Many times, she thought back to what had happened in the cabin and, albeit guiltily, wished she could have traded places with Lex, so that he had been the one to pull the trigger on her. At least then she wouldn’t have to deal with this constant misery, dealing with a seemingly permanent disconnection from the entire world around her.

Perhaps the most painful thing, amongst all the terrible things she had endured, was the fact that she was still friends with Kara. Sort of. Lena didn’t know why, but she couldn’t just bring herself to separate completely from her best friend. Even though she knew it was in her best interests to cut out everyone that had betrayed her without a second thought, she just couldn’t do it with Kara.

So she simply maintained a friendship. A reluctant one, Lena would give it that, but that wouldn’t change the fact that she let this relationship carry on. There was something bittersweet in continuing to talk to Kara as if everything was normal. On one hand, she really did enjoy her company. On the other, hanging elusively at the back of her mind was the constant reminder that Kara wasn’t who she said she was. This only got worse every time Kara had suddenly dashed off, making up an excuse about needing to be back at work or a family problem at home.

Lena knew it was all lies, and every time it happened she only felt more and more hurt, but she couldn’t bring herself to cut ties. It was as if she was ensnared by thorny vines, the sharp spikes digging at her every time she spent time with Kara. But nature was beautiful, and, even if it was hurting her, Lena only allowed herself to sink deeper into the tangled mass of the earth’s barbed wire. She couldn’t bring herself to cut herself free, even if she could easily wade through the plight and land safely. Her conscience just refused to let it happen, it would rather see her depressed and mistrustful than say goodbye to Kara, no matter how unhealthy it was.

That was why moments like these were the worst for Lena. When her mind was intent on fixating her thoughts on her brother’s death, she had nobody to support her. Her crime just replayed in her head over and over, each time growing more realistic. It was as if she could feel the weight of the gun in her hands again or smell the smothering scent of death hanging in the air with how ominously lifelike the hallucinations became. And she was forced to face them alone, because, deep down, she knew she couldn’t call on people she couldn’t trust to help her. Even if she remained their friend, she didn’t dare to show them a vulnerable side of herself ever again.

Desperately trying to handle her rising panic on her own, Lena tried her best not to let the ghosts of her past get to her. Lex was a bad person. That’s why she killed him; for the greater good. As she had said just after pulling the trigger, the world was a safer place without him in it. However, even with these pleaful self reassurances of her innocence, she couldn’t calm herself down one bit.

She was terrible at dealing with her emotions, always choosing to ignore them until they got too extreme, and then having no idea how to calm down her faughtness when it got this bad. For that reason, it came as no surprise when she could do nothing to convince herself of her innocence, and ultimately only helped to fuel the hungry fire of her fear that fed off of her hectic panic, causing her to spiral more and more.

She squinted her eyes closed, trying to push out everything in an effort to completely isolate and suspend herself in apathy. If she didn’t feel anything, then she wouldn’t be scared like this, right? Unfortunately, this didn’t work. Emotions weren’t like another logic puzzle that she could simply methodically work her way through at her own pace, which was all the more frustrating for Lena as they mercilessly attacked her, clawing away even as she tried to push them out.

Behind her eyelids, she could see a kaleidoscope of different images, all of the same person; Lex. Some were memories of when they were children, when Lex would jokingly chase her around the home and they would play for hours on end. Others were when they were a little older, tinkering around in a laboratory, working together on some project that Lena couldn’t even recall at this point, the memory too hazy. Maybe, in another situation, she would have smiled as she thought back on these moments, but there was one image amongst the many that was clearer than the rest. It was permanently imprinted in her mind, forever stamped and tainting all of her old memories beyond ever being cleansed to purity again. The image of her brother’s lifeless body, right after she had killed him.

By this point, Lena had to stand up. She needed to get out of that office chair, it felt too much like the one that Lex had fallen out of after she shot him to death. It was imperative that she moved around; perhaps, if she did get up and walk around a little, she would feel less constricted, and the walls would stop closing in on her and she would be able to breathe again.

Taking a few dizzy steps proved to be easier said than done, and within seconds Lena was rushing towards the couch in her office, the idea of trying to walk in her state of panic quickly proving to be a bad one. She was terrified, barely making it to the couch in time and stumbling down onto it. Sweat was beginning to stick to her palms in her stupor, and it felt uncomfortably like the blood she had felt coated all over her body in her dream, so she did her best to wipe her hands dry on the knees of her suit. This just made her hands red raw with the force at which she worked, but at least they were dry.

The final words of her brother tickled at her ears, his taunting voice crawling around her brain uncomfortably. Even if she put her hands over her ears, his voice didn’t so much as muffle, as if he was trapped inside her head. The image of his corpse remained etched in her mind, carved into her eyelids so that, even if she closed her eyes, there was no escaping the sight of the slumped and lifeless figure that she had created.

Hating to show her vulnerable side, Lena continued to try and deal with her situation by herself, but eventually even she had to give up. Her cool attempts to calm down were no match for her frantic panicking, all of them being shot down with her anxiety just as her brother had been by her bullets. Soon enough, she was shakily fishing around in her pocket until she found her phone, and then she was in the contacts app and scrolling through the list, trying to make out each name through the blur of tears in her eyes.

It felt like forever to reach the name she was looking for, but when she reached Samantha Arias, she breathed a sigh of relief. Her immediate instinct was to instantly press the call button, but just before her she hit the screen, she paused. Desperate temptation burned at the pad of her thumb, screaming at her and asking her why she wasn’t calling for help when she had the contact up and ready. All she had to do was press down on the little icon to send a call for help, just like all she had to do was push down on the trigger to kill her brother. If she could do that twice, why couldn’t she simply press a button?

Maybe it was because she didn’t deserve the help. After all, she had killed her brother. She had pulled the trigger on her own blood, and it wasn’t even the first time she had stood back and watched a family member die. Plus, after all she had learnt, could she even rely on other people anymore? Even if Sam wasn’t involved in hiding the identity of Supergirl, who was to say that she too wasn’t hiding something?

No, that was stupid thinking. Lena trusted Sam the most right now, they just hadn’t had the time to talk in ages. Since moving out to Metropolis, her friend had been constantly busy with managing the Metropolis division of L-Corp, coaching Ruby’s soccer team and being a mother. Lena knew she couldn’t just call out of the blue and add an extra load of pressure onto Sam’s back, else she would just have to add ‘bad friend’ underneath ‘family murderer’ on the list of everything that was wrong with her.

Despite coming to a conclusion that she couldn’t call for help, Lena didn’t lock her phone straight away. Instead, she found herself scrolling back up through the alphabet list of her contacts and, with her wills dissolved by her panic, she simply let her finger guide her until it reached the section labelled ‘K’. Or, more specifically, the contact Kara Danvers.

As before with Sam, her thumb hovered over the call button. This time, she knew she could rely on Kara to be there with her in no time - quite literally, given her enhanced speed. She had also been keeping in contact with Kara regularly, so it wouldn’t be an out of the blue phone call like it would have been if she had gone through with contacting Sam. However, even with these reasons coaxing her into sending the call through, she had much more weighty reasons to not talk to Kara about this at all.

How could Lena speak to her again, let her in whilst she was in such a vulnerable state, with full knowledge of how she was lying to her with each day that passed? That would just be allowing a Trojan horse to enter her borders whilst being fully aware that it was a trick. It was a stupid idea, and yet Lena couldn’t resist the temptation. Her mind flashed to the times that Kara had been there for her before, and, for the first time since she woke up from her nightmare, she was finally thinking of something other than her brother’s dead body.

That was just the effect Kara had on her. Even if she was a liar, Lena couldn’t deny that she had some method of always managing to sway her one way or another, which was exactly the type of thing she needed at that moment. Some sort of support, be it distraction or advice, and she knew herself well enough to know that Kara was the only person who would possibly be able to get through to her. So, even if she did feel stung by her betrayal, and even if her wills were telling her not to trust Kara, something in her told her to ring the number.

But as soon as she pressed the call button, her instincts just screamed even louder than they had been before she had pressed it. Regret alarmingly surged inside of her, mimicking that of the anxiety induced acid reflux she was feeling the moment she pressed the button. Why did she send the call through? She knew that Kara was a liar, and yet she had just willingly called her, voluntarily allowed her to come and see her at her most vulnerable. All she was doing was allowing herself to be humiliated even more down the road.

Lena was convinced she had made a mistake. Without missing a second, she tapped the end call button before Kara had even picked up. In her new sense of panic, she hadn’t realised that it was a second too late; the line had already rung once, meaning that her call had definitely gone through. This meant, as she locked her phone and threw it down beside her, she didn’t see her screen light up with a curious text message, asking what the missed call was about.

She kicked off her heels and brought her knees up to her chest, burying her head down and quietly sobbing to herself. This would just have to do; crying until her tear ducts were dry, futilely hoping that the memories would go away and recklessly gambling that none of her clients or employees were going to call on the office phone or knock on her door.

Sitting like this, Lena could only come to the conclusion through her tears that this was exactly what she deserved. After all the evil things she had done, unjust acts that had started since she was four, she wasn’t worthy of help. Especially not from the likes of Kara Danvers. Hell, could she even be justifiably upset with Kara for not revealing her identity? She was probably just being cautious, what with everything Lena was capable of, after all.

Who killed their own brother? Who stood aside and watched their mother die? No one who was good, that was for sure. So, convinced that for good reason nobody was going to be there for her, Lena squinted her eyes closed and shut down, allowing the intrusive thoughts to wickedly ride through her mind with no limits.

It’s what she deserved, wasn’t it? She was a killer. She was a bad person. And she had no one.

-

When Kara Danvers was bored at work, she had a guilty pastime of playing pointless web games until she literally had to get back to her job. It wasn’t that she didn’t have a story to cover; she very much did. But since Andrea Rojas had become her new boss, her passion for her work was beginning to dwindle, which meant she was spending a lot more time than usual on another tab, playing a random browser game.

Normally she would go and speak to Nia Nal, but the girl was busy actually being productive, so Kara decided she was going to try and beat her high score on arrow key Pac-Man until her boss came along and forced her back into working. Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip with concentration, only points away from beating the score. Any moment now, she was going to break her record and-

The obscenely louder than usual vibration of her phone against her desk caused Kara to startle, accidentally letting go of her computer mouse for a second too long. Before she could recollect where she was, even with superspeed, it was too late. Her virtual avatar hit a ghost and died right in front of her, the words ‘game over’ flashing across her screen in a ridiculously large and bold font, as if they had been designed to tease her.

Grumbling at the sudden loss when she was on the brink of beating the record, Kara closed the tab she was playing on, her motivation to play the game destroyed. However, before she began trying to force herself to type anything else of her story, she took her phone and looked at the screen. If the notification was enough to ruin her chances at a high score, she might as well see what it was.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she read that she had missed a call from Lena. It was out of the ordinary for her to just call and then hang up, especially without leaving a message. Confused, Kara decided to send a text asking if Lena was okay. Instinctively she was already worrying. Being Supergirl came with many burdens, and one of those included constantly finnicking over the safety of the ones she loved.

When there was no reply after two minutes, Kara just grew even more nervous for Lena’s wellbeing. Never being one to just stand aside and leave things uninvestigated, especially not when they concerned her friends, she rose from her office chair and locked her computer before speed walking to the elevator. Impatiently, she tapped her foot as she waited for it to reach the ground level, inwardly cursing when it stopped at floors on the way down to pick new people up.

As soon as the doors finally slid open on the ground floor, Kara rushed to be the first one out before weaving through everyone in the CatCo lobby to finally get through the main doors and out of the building. The walking distance from L-Corp to Catco was about five minutes which wasn’t that long, but considering the situation she was in, Kara decided it wouldn’t hurt for her to speed over there. Literally. Ducking into the closest alleyway so she was out of sight from any civilians, she was quickly into a sprint and, in no time, at the front doors of L-Corp.

Being on the list of names that were allowed immediate access to Lena’s office if she was available, plus being such a regular visitor that all the security guards and doormen knew her face by now, it was a quick process of checking in at the entrance before Kara was allowed through to the lobby. Unsure of what was going to be waiting for her in Lena’s office, Kara turned down the offer of an escort accompanying her on the way to the top floor. Instead, she took the elevator trip to the CEO’s office alone, preparing herself for any sort of danger or fight that might be waiting inside for her.

When she reached the office doors, nothing was out of the ordinary. There was no sign of a struggle, at least not outside, and they were shut just as they normally were. No sounds of fighting or hustling could be heard, which caused Kara to raise an eyebrow as she approached the door. Knowing better than to walk in without warning and fairly convinced there was no threat, Kara knocked on the door.

“I’m sorry, I’m not available right now.” Lena called through the door. That was odd enough considering the fact that she had no visitors scheduled, otherwise Kara never would have been allowed up to her office. What was more concerning, however, was the fact that her voice seemed to quiver, like something was wrong.

Biting her lip and in an effort to play her cards right, Kara immediately lowered her glasses to the bridge of her nose, peeking over the rims and seeing through to the other side of the door. Sitting on the couch, she could make out Lena’s silhouette hunched in on itself, shaking a little and facing away from the door.

Instantaneously, Kara was filled with a sense of worry that was different from the one before. Whilst previously she had been fearing the worst in terms of some sort of hostage situation, possibly the work of aliens, now she realised she had been dramatically overthinking things. Sometimes she forgot to differentiate between the worries of Supergirl and the worries of Kara Danvers.

Regardless, the problem currently at hand was a case of Lena herself being visibly upset, which, although it was no cause for a dramatic action sequence, somehow made Kara worry even more than she had been before. Frowning, she pushed her glasses back to the top of her nose and grabbed the handle of the door, but didn’t push it open yet. Instead, she spoke gently through it.

“It’s Kara.”

There was a pause of about ten seconds, which included Kara anxiously playing with her fingers and Lena’s heart rate spiking up once more. Eventually, after the tiny amount of time that seemed like hours for them both, Lena eventually came to the decision to wipe her eyes, wear a faux smile and allow Kara to come in. She just hoped her face wasn’t so blotchy that it gave her away. Now who was the one lying?

“Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting anyone today.” Lena made up an excuse as Kara let herself in, quickly scooting to the side of the couch so Kara could take the other seat. She didn’t dare to look in Kara’s direction, not yet.

“No, that’s fine, I’m sorry to just show up.” Kara shook her head, wasting no time in sitting next to Lena, “I was just wondering if you’re okay. Because you called me but then quickly hung up, and your voice sounds a little shaky and usually you’re working! But right now you’re-”

Hearing a list of symptoms detailing her sadness was not what Lena needed to keep her tears inside. Barely having time to recover her poise before Kara had come in, Lena’s wall was already fragile. Being told simply about concerns her friends had for her was the only brick throw required for it all to come crashing down, along with her tear ducts bursting open like faulty floodgates. It also certainly didn’t help that, as mentioned before, Kara just had that sort of effect on Lena; one where she could express herself a little more than she usually would if it had been someone else.

“Lena! What’s wrong?” Kara gasped. Sure, she already knew that Lena wasn’t in a good mood by what she had observed prior, but she hadn’t really been expecting a breakdown like this on her hands. Yet, here it was, and she was going to do everything in her power to help. That was one thing Supergirl and Kara Danvers had in common.

For a while, Lena didn’t respond, and Kara figured it wasn’t the best idea to push her on coming up with an answer. Especially when it looked like she was going to choke on her tears. Still wanting to be a beacon of emotional support, Kara loosely wrapped her arms around Lena, and when she wasn’t shaken away, she tightened the hold.

Even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, Lena had broken down. Inwardly, she bitterly added it to the mental list of mistakes she had made. However, even if she didn’t want to cry in front of Kara, there was no point in trying to mask her pain anymore. She knew her best friend well enough to know that she wouldn’t let it go, and, even if she was unsure of how to feel around Kara, it would have been a lie to say that her presence was not comforting.

So Lena let herself cry, allowing Kara to wrap her arms around her. They were like a slow antidote to the dejection she was feeling; not fixing her mood but at the very least uplifting it slightly. Kara’s embrace was warm, melting away the icy gloom she felt. It was like coming into a burning fireplace and cozy blankets after being caught out in the snow; a welcoming and relieving feeling spreading all over Lena as she relaxed further into Kara’s arms.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t stay in that position forever, no matter how much she wanted to. Just like she had to leave the cabin and face the cruel outside the night of her brother’s death, Lena had to pull herself from Kara’s arms and face telling her the truth right now. It wasn’t exactly how she planned this moment to go, and she carefully considered what she would and wouldn’t tell Kara, but ultimately she knew that it was time to talk. Maybe it would do her some good, unbottling these inner turmoils. She really hoped so.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all… emotional on you.” Lena chose her words carefully, slowly peeling herself from Kara’s arms and sitting up on her own again. She chuckled dryly at her words, wiping her eyes with her wrist.

“You don’t need to apologise.” Kara frowned, “You know I’m always here for you, Lena. No matter what. Do you want to talk about it?”

There was a moment of silence. Kara glanced expectantly at Lena but not in an intimidating way. No, her expression simply read that she was ready to listen. Understanding this but still nervous to spill what she had been panicking about, especially with what she now knew about Kara, Lena hesitated briefly.

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“You’ll hate me, or see me in a different lens.” Her voice cracked as she said that, as if she was going to cry again. Luckily she managed to swallow the lump in her throat before that happened.

“I could never hate you.” Kara felt her heart breaking at the sound of Lena’s vulnerability. “I promise.”

Part of Lena wanted to scoff at what Kara had just told her. She promised? Oh, what good was that when she was literally living a lie to her? Yet, at the same time, Kara had no idea that Lena knew about her double identity. That made it both worse and better, for some reason. Still, even though there was a cynical, almost judgemental facet of Lena, an even louder side of her believed Kara. Even through everything, even with the knowledge that she was being a fool for trusting someone who had played her once, that side prevailed.

“I killed Lex.”

As soon as she said it, she couldn’t take it back. Her words uncomfortably left her throat, hanging heavy in the air around them as they each wallowed in the weight of what she had just said. Kara widened her eyes with the confession, but not with judgement or resentment of the woman sitting next to her. Rather, she was fairly certain that it couldn’t be true.  _ She  _ had killed Lex, not Lena.

“I thought Supergirl killed him.” Kara stated uncertainly. No, she  _ knew  _ Supergirl had killed him. Suddenly, she was playing a dangerous game, balancing on the thin line between her identity as Kara and her identity as Supergirl.

“No.” Lena shook her head. It was almost funny to her, that Kara was speaking in the third person about herself, still so desperate to keep her secret even though she already knew. Even so, Lena didn’t bring it up. She just played along, beating Kara at her own game. “He used his transmatter portal watch. It opens a portal that will take him anywhere, and I knew exactly where he would go; a cabin we loved when we were children. I was there waiting for him, gun ready, I could feel the weight of it in my hands. Everything- every fiber of my being- was screaming at me not to do it, but I knew I had to. Not only for my friends, but because I knew that the world would never be a safe place without him in it. So I pulled the trigger.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. For once, Kara was at a loss for words. Lena spoke again.

“I shot my own brother in the chest.”

Kara opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, then opened it again and then closed it again. She desperately wanted to be there for Lena. Already, she knew that Lena was hurting after losing her brother, even if she would never admit it. Despite all the terrible things that he had done, family was family. However, now with this brand new account of events, Kara couldn’t even begin to imagine the extent of Lena’s pain. To lose her brother was bad enough, but to watch the light leave his eyes? To be the one to deliver the fatal shot that ended his life? That was just traumatic.

Perhaps the worst thing of all was that Kara didn’t even know how she should react. Above everything, she just wanted to be there for Lena, but she was also aware that she had to tread carefully. What if, whilst giving advice, she said something incriminative and revealed her identity as Supergirl? Even in her state of depression, Kara knew Lena was smart enough to pick up on something like that. This wasn’t even to mention the fact that giving advice whilst being so directly correlated to the downfall of Lex just felt morally wrong, on every single level. Kara was stuck, enveloped in with her secret identity and her urge to help her friend and sealed between them both by her moral compass.

However, Lena once again started speaking before Kara could even think of a word to say.

“And every time… every time I close my eyes, he’s there. I can see him all the time, like there’s some permanent lens over my eyes or like the memory of his corpse has just been imprinted on the back of my eyelids. I can’t- don’t sleep anymore, because every time I do I just relive the night I pulled the trigger over and over, and it gets worse each time. I can’t be in silent rooms anymore, because if there isn’t some sort of background noise to distract me then all I can hear is his voice in my ears, repeating his final words over and over.”

Her voice grew an octave higher with each effect of her trauma that she listed, the emotionless wall she was trying to uphold crumbling at its very foundations. Kara could only watch, not wanting to interrupt her during this moment. It looked like the first time Lena was getting all of this off of her chest, so as painful as it was to see her in such an emotional state, Kara allowed her to continue.

“When I hear loud sudden noises, all I can think about is the sound the gun made when I pulled the trigger. Press approach me on the street with their flashing cameras, and the white light always takes me back to the split second flashes when the bullets fired from the chamber. It’s like his ghost is following me around to make sure I’ll never be happy again, and you know what? I think I deserve it.”

“What?” That’s when Kara finally spoke up. Lena’s last sentence just made it impossible for her not to intervene.

“Who kills their own brother, Kara?” Lena demanded, her voice startlingly raising several decibels into a shout all at once, “Who looks their own brother in the eye and murders him?!”

“Lena…” Kara sighed. Her instinct was to reach over and pull Lena into another comforting embrace, but from the aggravation that she had just displayed, Kara wasn’t sure that was the best idea. Instead, she knew she finally had to respond rather than let Lena spiral any further. “Can you listen to me?”

There was no response. Lena, who had turned her head away from Kara, simply stared into space and rubbed her palms over the knees of her suit once more. Still, Kara waited for her patiently, not wanting to prod too much else risk disturbing her even further.

When she had finally taken a few deep breaths, Lena turned to look back at Kara once more. Her piercing eyes, usually full of determination and assuredness, looked completely broken. They were that of shattered emeralds and yet, through all the unrest they were layered in, Kara could read Lena well enough to see through to what her look meant; she was listening.

“I know what you’ve been going through is hard. Losing your brother; that’s bad enough, and you don’t need to pretend like you’re not hurting about it. Even if he did terrible, terrible things, he was still your brother and you’re allowed to feel pain over his death.” Kara began, choosing her words carefully in an effort to not upset Lena more. It seemed to be working, because she was listening intently, hanging onto each one with no sign of distaste yet.

“Learning this though, I can’t even begin to imagine how much you really have been hurting. Especially because, correct me if I’m wrong, this is the first time you’ve told somebody what really happened?”

Lena nodded.

“I’m sorry, Lena. I wish I could have been there for you more, so you didn’t have to shoulder this alone this whole time. But, and I know this is going to be hard to believe, especially with how much you’re hurting, I need you to trust me when I say this next part, okay?”

There was that word again. Trust. How ironic, that Kara was requesting her faith in her words whilst simultaneously lying right to her face. It made Lena want to laugh. Maybe it was lucky that her tears had exhausted all her energy, because she probably would have if not. Still, she didn’t interfere. What good was there in that when Kara had come this far and learnt this much? So Lena allowed her to continue with the most delicate nod to indicate that she was still listening.

“You are not a bad person, and you don’t deserve any of the bad things that are happening to you as a result of what happened. Putting it in the way that you did, just saying ‘I killed my brother’, it might sound like you did something terrible, but please consider it from a different perspective -  _ my  _ perspective.

“He wasn’t just your brother. He was Lex Luthor, and you and I both know what he’s done before and what he’s capable of. Given the choice between the world and your own personal interests, you chose to save the world, even when everything in you just wanted to look out for yourself. Not everyone could do that, and that sort of sacrifice is what makes you a hero, Lena. Believe me.”

In the wake of Kara’s speech, Lena just sat there, processing every word. Part of her wanted to argue with her, to continue claiming that she was a bad person and use the fact that Kara was lying about her identity for proof that she shouldn’t believe a word she said. But why would she do that when, admittedly, everything Kara had said made perfect sense?

Kara always did have a way of swaying Lena’s views. She also happened to be the only one with that knack.

“Thank you, Kara.” Lena mumbled, this time being the one to begin the embrace as she fell back into Kara’s welcoming arms. They remained in that position for a while. Though Lena was no longer crying (which was both the result of tear ducts having run dry and Kara’s words making her feel better), they maintained the hold, enjoying each other’s warmth and company until one more thing came burning at the front of Lena’s mind.

If it was time to get everything off of her chest, there was still one thing Lena needed to talk to Kara about. And she didn’t know if she would get a good opportunity like this again any time soon. Pulling herself out of Kara’s arms, Lena spoke again.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Of course. What is it?”

“If you really think I’m a good person, why didn’t you tell me?”

Kara’s blood ran cold, but she knew better than to jump to conclusions.

“Tell you what?”

“That you’re Supergirl.”

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad of an idea to jump to conclusions.

“I- uh, what?”

But she knew better than to deny it now. Not after being confronted so openly about it, and certainly not after she had just comforted Lena and begged her to trust and believe in her. To lie right now would just make her a hypocrite, and ruin everything she had just said. So, taking a deep and fearful breath, she spoke again.

“How did you…?”

“Lex.”

“Oh.”

Kara tried to read Lena’s expression, desperate to get some sort of interpretation of how she felt about the secret. Unfortunately, that woman was a closed book when she wanted to be, which was apparently right now. She could only hope that Lena wasn’t furious.

“It was the last thing he told me. His dying words, taunting me about how much of a fool I am to not have noticed sooner. And, by my standards, he’s right.”

“Okay, no.” Kara shook her head, “Lena, that secret is one of the most well kept… ever. Nobody knows.”

“Apart from Alex, and J’onn, and James, and Nia, and Br-”

“Okay, they do.” Kara cringed, not realising how long the list was. She sighed, completely unprepared for this turn of events. “Look, I’m sorry for keeping it from you. And I wish I could have told you personally instead of you having to hear it from Lex, and I’m sorry it went like that. I tried to tell you, so many times, but I just couldn’t, I kept making excuses because you’ve been hurt so many times, and-”

Lena shook her head. “I just want to know why you didn’t tell me.”

Kara took a deep breath but nodded with understanding.

“At the beginning, I convinced myself it was to protect you. Everyone who knows my real identity is automatically put at risk. But, the more I got to know you, the more I realised that you could protect yourself, so there was really no excuse to not tell you until one day you were mad at me- at Supergirl, but you still loved Kara, and I… I just couldn’t let that go!”

It was Kara’s turn to break down with fearful tears, terrified at what sort of thought processes were happening in Lena’s mile a minute mind. Were her anxieties going to come true? Was Lena going to turn her back on her after this? This could be the last time she would ever talk to Lena, and it would be-

She was pulled out of the downward spiral by the unexpected weight of Lena’s hand in hers. Kara looked down, through the tears in her eyes and saw that, although barely moving an inch closer, Lena had reached across and taken her hand. Looking back up at the woman she was talking to, Kara searched her eyes for an instruction. Lena just nodded, opting for her to carry on if she wished.

“The longer I kept my secret, the more it came out of not wanting to hurt you rather than to protect you, but then I started to realise that either way it was going to hurt you regardless. And I couldn’t afford to let you know how much pain I was causing you, I didn’t want to hurt you like everyone else has, so I kept hiding it because I was scared of losing you and I was scared of hurting you. And I’m so, so sorry Lena. I let something I did out of protection turn into something selfish, and I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t and now here we are. I’m sorry. I really, really am.”

Hearing this perspective almost made Lena feel even more like a fool than ever before, but she wasn’t going to let that bubble to the surface, especially not in Kara’s time of need. Apparently, communication was all that was necessary to swiftly throw one of her biggest problems away, because now, all of a sudden, she understood. Of all the times she had been lied to, it was for the liar’s own personal gain and benefit. Of the one and only lie Kara had been upholding, it was at the cost of her own peace of mind and with the intent of keeping Lena safe.

This whole time, Lena had been labelling Kara’s lie as an act of deceit and taking offence by it, but now it was all too clear what Kara had really been doing. Her actions weren’t those of betrayal, not like everyone else. No, Kara’s were those of protection. Suddenly, Lena understood. With that knowledge, there was no more bitter inner monologue about the irony of things, nor was there any hesitance at what she did next. Lena knew she had to be there for Kara too.

“I need you to listen to me now, just like I listened to you. Okay?” Lena asked, still not letting go of Kara’s hand. Instead, she took the other one too, squeezing them both gently.

Kara just sniffled and nodded in response.

“The first thing you need to know is that I’m not mad at you. Admittedly, before we talked I was confused, a little hurt and upset, but not once have I ever felt anger at you because of this, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I should. I’m sorry for not coming to you about it as soon as Lex told me, because now I realise that only fuelled the intensity of what’s going on, but I just want you to know that, now we have talked, I understand why you kept it from me. And I don’t hold any grudge or resent for it.”

“Really?” Kara’s eyes lit up with shock, her tone swimming in relief. If she wasn’t crying, it would have been adorable.

“Really.” Lena nodded, “From what you’ve just told me, even if you’re saying that you ended up being selfish, it really does sound like keeping the secret was harming you. In fact, it’s showing right now in your reaction that keeping the secret was harming you. And what else did you just tell me, about choosing somebody else over your own best interests? You chose not hurting me over not hurting yourself, even if it did end up turning into a double edged sword over time. By your own logic, Kara, that makes you just as much of a hero as you said I am.”

“Lena…”

“I’m serious. You know, everyone hails Supergirl as the world’s greatest hero, but I don’t think any of those people have ever met Kara Danvers.”

Kara let go of Lena’s hands, but only seconds after she was throwing herself into yet another hug with her. This one was much tighter than before, Kara still crying but this time her tears were of happiness rather than fear. It might have been the embrace that lasted the shortest, but it definitely felt the fullest as they both pulled away, this time in sync with one another.

“Thank you, Lena.” Kara managed, sliding her hand beneath her glasses and wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

“No, thank you.” Lena responded. For the first time since she had pulled the trigger, Lena smiled a real smile. A warm one, at that.

They sat in silence for a few moments, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable or awkward one. Rather, both of them were content with the results of the conversation they had just had. Kara relished in the light feeling of her secret sliding off of her shoulders, whilst Lena took pleasure in the sensation of the numbness inside of her being melted away by the warm hopes of a vibrant future.

Unfortunately, all good things had to come to an end, and that was marked by the loud vibration of Kara’s phone in her pocket. Curiously, and with Lena’s permission, she took it out and read the screen, a frown covering her face as she read the notification.

“What’s wrong?” Lena’s eyebrow furrowed in concern.

“Nia texted me. Apparently Andrea is furious that I’m not at my desk. I kind of left without saying anything.”

“Oh. Sorry if I pulled you away from anything imp-”

“No! No, Lena, it’s fine. I’m really happy we had this discussion. Just, I think I have to go now. If that’s okay?”

“Absolutely.” Lena nodded, standing up as Kara followed and slid her phone into her pocket, “Kara?”

“Mhm?”

“Thank you for coming here. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course.”

They shared one more hug standing up, and as Kara pulled away, she spoke again.

“Hey, Lena?”

“Yes?”

“This Saturday. Well, you know… game night? I need a new partner now Alex has ditched me for her girlfriend.” Kara laughed lightly, but her eyes were hopeful that Lena would accept the invitation.

“I’d love to.” Another fond smile spread across Lena’s lips at the invitation and she nodded, “I think we would make quite the formidable team.”

“The  _ most  _ formidable, mind you.” Kara jokingly corrected, earning some laughter from Lena which in turn caused her heart to swell with pride. She then walked to the office door, ready to make her leave and rush back to work until, just before she left, she turned to look at Lena again. “One more thing, while we’re speaking about Alex’s girlfriend.”

“What about her?”

“Kelly is a therapist, and she specialises in trauma. I know it’s a big decision to make, so it’s no rush, but if you ever wanted me to pass your name onto her, I would.”

“I’ll think about it.” Lena decided, not in the right frame to make a split second choice, “Thank you, Kara.”

“Any time.” Kara just waved it off, “See you at game night, I guess. Don’t make us lose!”

“If anything,  _ you’ll  _ be the one making us lose.” Lena teased, shaking her head, “I’ll see you then, Kara.”

With that, Kara finally left the office.

Lena watched the door she had exited from for a moment, simply wallowing in the new feeling of contentedness she felt. It had been a long time since she had experienced anything as positive as this, and it relaxed her beyond relief. Eventually, she made her way back to her desk and sat back in her office chair. Her eyes flickered over the accounts she had been working on previously, and, in a split second decision, she decided to close that window and take the rest of the day off.

For the first time in forever, Lena was beginning to feel whole again. That had everything to do with the fact that she had just reconciled all of her mismatched feelings with Kara Danvers, but the prospect of healthily dealing and recovering from what she had been through certainly helped too.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Lena leaned back into her chair, swivelled it around and watched over the streets of National City, a tiny smile on her face. There were going to be challenges to come, but today she had overcome what was arguably the biggest of them all, and that was all that mattered for her at the time.

Besides, with Kara undoubtedly by her side forever now, what could the world possibly throw at her that she didn’t have the tools and support to work through? Nothing. She was fairly certain of that.

So, with a new peace having been cast over mind, a fresh warmth against the icy sadness in her heart and finally feeling something other than a constant heavy numbness, Lena Luthor finally allowed herself to relax. All was well, and all was going to be well. She understood that now.


End file.
